How to handle someone you find difficult.

We’ve all had that moment…

We’re walking away from a meeting or closing a call and this thought goes through our heads - ”why are they so difficult!!”

There is no escaping it, at some point in our lives, someone at work will leave us feeling frustrated and wondering why they are like that.

We are all different (thankfully) and therefore it’s natural that we won’t find it easy to get along with everyone. In our personal lives, this can be easier to manage as we can simply decide to interact with these people less, but in work – we have less choice.

This blog is going to explore a few ideas to help navigate this challenging area more successfully. This is especially important where you have less choice on interacting with this person and even more important when your relationship with them is vital to the success of your work.

1. Start by considering your mindset.

OK, so they might be difficult but whatever the reality, if you tell yourself they are difficult or being difficult that’s how it’s going to feel.

It’s also important to consider what tricks your brain is playing on you - are they really being difficult or are they offering constructive challenge? Start by considering why you are feeling the way you are.

By placing greater emphasis on what might be contributing to your response, you are giving yourself greater control over those feelings.

So, if we tried exploring this instead.

“That felt difficult for me…what did I find difficult about it?”

What you’re doing here, is acknowledging that it felt difficult for you and questioning what specifically made you feel that way. This doesn’t mean discounting what you found frustrating or condoning any poor behaviour but being honest with yourself about the reasons is important.

This is the root of understanding where you may need to act differently and/or where you may have feedback for this person.

2. Be clear on your boundaries.

By being clear with yourself from the outset about what your boundaries are, it will make it easier to identify if that person is challenging those boundaries.

If they are, then it’s time to talk to them.

3. Accepting differences.

This person may not deliberately be frustrating or difficult, they might just be different to you.

You might not have experience with someone who works, thinks, or behaves in that way before. Just because it feels difficult or different for you doesn’t mean they need to meet your requirements.

You might need to adjust or work in a different way to get things done with this person. Think about how you can get to know them better and build a stronger relationship.

Here’s a helpful guide from Indeed on how to build relationships at work.

4. Recognise common ground.

When you are struggling to connect or can’t move things forward with someone. Look for common ground through goals.

Think about how you can bring the common goal front and centre to your interactions with them, so it provides more focus.

If there is no common ground on the goals – there may be a reason you are finding working with them difficult and vice versa. Why would either of you want to prioritise something that isn’t important to you, especially if you have high demands on your time already.

5. What could you do differently?

Is there anything you could now do differently after considering point 1-4?

Make a list of the things that might help change things, in terms of how you want to approach working with this person. Identify the top 2 or 3 actions and give them a try.

6. Seek out support.

You may get quicker results or insights with a little help from others.

Take notice of where you see people you work with interact positively with the person you want to change things with. Is there anything you observe about the way they are working together that may be contributing to that.

If you feel able to, ask their advice. Share the areas that you’ve identified as challenging and ask if they have any suggestions for how you can approach it differently.

Where you don’t feel able to share that you are struggling with that person you could simply ask for their advice on the best ways to work with that person.

This is about looking at ways you can take proactive action.

7. Keep reviewing and checking in.

Based on the actions and relationship building that you’ve been doing, take time to review how things are going.

Be clear about the things you are doing differently and ask yourself:

”How do I now feel about working with this person?”.

• Capture your thoughts – what are you noticing?

• What’s worked?

• What might you need to try again or do differently?

• Do you need more support?

Things should be improving, even if this just relates to how you are controlling the way you respond.

This is about depersonalising the situation where you can and looking for solutions to improve the relationship and outcomes of your interactions.

8. Talk to them about it.

It may be that making changes yourself isn’t enough. It could be you need to provide feedback or tackle behaviour that is unreasonable or impacts on the boundaries you have set for yourself.

If you are seeing repeated behaviour, and you’ve tried new ways of working with them but are still identifying issues, then it’s time to talk to them about it.

Be mindful, the quality of your relationship matters here as to how receptive to the feedback they will be. But there are a few ways you can approach this set out in this guide by Indeed on giving and receiving feedback. It’s sensible to be prepared for both, as this colleague may have feedback for you too.

This blog isn’t about you coping with unacceptable or bullying behaviour – call that out immediately and get help from your line manager.

I do hope that it helps you to take proactive steps to change things in more challenging or frustrating interactions with colleagues.